Potential Brain Damage

I am becoming convinced that I have given myself some kind of permanent brain damage. If this is the case, I will be really irritated because I only have myself to blame. Well, my excessive drinking to be precise. It's not just my memory that has deteriorated beyond belief, but I have actually gone and developed a fully blown speech impediment. To top this off, I have a foot injury, which must either be due to an drunken incident of which I have no memory, or due to gout. But given that this is often referred to as the "rich man's disease", and I am neither rich nor male, I am hoping that I remain goutfree.

We have recently been discussing the ridiculousness of cancer foods, aka. the foods that can apparently give you cancer, the most recent of which being bacon. BACON! Conveniently, however, what with tomato ketchup allegedly preventing cancer, a bacon sandwich with ketchup is actually cancer neutral - so we can continue filling up on these. For peace of mind, I have researched further cancer preventing foods. These are: tomatoes, blueberries, red cabbage, spinach, garlic, whole wheat, oranges, strawberries and beans. Now, I personally have eaten four of these today - so you would assume that my life for the meantime will be cancer free. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of reseaching cancer causing foods as well. Along with all processed meats, red meat, fats and alcohol are all key perpetrators. As I have had two beef based spaghetti bologneses and copious amounts of alcohol in the past three days, I think my cancer/no-cancer equilibrium is swaying decidedly towards the less desirable direction. So, thinking along the cancer neutral lines and bearing in mind I am no great chef, I have come up with a few cancer neutral recipes:

1. Juicy steak with a blob of ketchup. (I forgot to mention - they are rather basic recipes.)
2. A fruit salad made with blueberries, oranges, strawberries and Cointreau instead of orange juice. (Though I suppose for a mental twist you could use Blue Curacao.)
3. A lump of lard covered in garlic. (Cancer neutral, but possibly heart disease positive-sometimes you have to weigh up the pros and cons.)

As my friend Tessa pointed out, it's not just cancer you have to look out for. After searching for other potential explanations for my gout, someone mentioned osteoporosis - which is in fact (well, not solely) caused by diet coke. She then pointed out that there were of course osteoporosis neutral drinks on the market, one of them being the Smooth Black Russian Cocktail, which contains Kahlua (calcium-rich and therefore osteoporosis negative), Coca cola (osteoporosis positive) and vodka and Guinness.

However, after reviewing this recipe just now, I have realised that, despite being osteoporosis neutral, it is in fact cancer positive! Oh, back to the drawing board. This is a veritable minefield!